How to Actually Lose Weight in 4 Steps

Finding the right motivation to get you going

Alright so we all know actually how to lose weight:
Stop eating shit and go running. Easy as (not eating) pie. That’s not what people’s problem is for the most part. Our problem is that we do not have the motivation to start or go through with it.
It’s a good thing I have found the way to motivate the world. The following are proven steps to accomplish a healthier, happier you.
1. Call your grandparents, or parents, or the oldest people you know in your family, or the oldest people you know, or go down to the local old folks home and take your pick.
2. After you talk about how you are doing professionally (so they can in turn brag about you with their friends), or they ask how your dog is (quick tip: that’s how you know the conversation is near its end, when they talk about your pet); once you get to this stage, if you are a pro you usually say, “okay talk to you in a few weeks” or whatever. But for this step, you must talk an extra five minutes.
When you do this they go into the shit they are dealing with. Whether it’s that grandma has to go in every other week to get a needle injected into her eye, because “something to do with the diabetes”.. Or your grandpa on the other side of the family who a couple years ago got one of those things that smokers get in their throats that make them sound like Stephen Hawking, even though he never smoked, has to get surgery to remove his fat from his…whatever.
3. Take all this new-found information and stand in front of a mirror. Do the finger count, *measure how many fingers fit under your fat rolls. Then imagine yourself getting that needle injected into your eye. Or having to go under to get the fat removed from your..ugh. Or etc..
4. Then go for a run, or bike, or dance, or basketball (because basketball is like running, but fun).​​​​​​​
Extra Motivation
-Move to a city where fat isn't the norm (avoid the Midwest).
-Make sure you don’t have a job — and given the economic state of things you’re probably having a hard time with this anyway. Continually fail personality tests at potential employers. Become a “freelancer” like you tell your friends on the internet, and then realize that you really only have two options:
Go into academia. Which is an implosion waiting to happen.
Join the military. Key point: the military doesn't take fat fucks.
I've been on this diet for about a month now, and I've lost 15 lbs. Plus if you ever need a motivation boost, Nanna is only a phone call away (for now).
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